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Post by Minion on Dec 21, 2005 5:02:47 GMT -5
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Post by (Team DX)Broken on Dec 21, 2005 5:06:45 GMT -5
lol, that is pretty funny. i needed the laugh Minion. thx
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Post by Ace Rimmer, Attorney at Large on Dec 26, 2005 8:55:39 GMT -5
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Post by The H B K "The Legend" on Jan 1, 2006 12:11:53 GMT -5
Dirty Riddles Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Joke 1 An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
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Post by The H B K "The Legend" on Jan 7, 2006 13:44:13 GMT -5
Job Interview Question You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
Joke 1 The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
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Post by I'm Gonna Break You on Jan 8, 2006 2:01:40 GMT -5
i am sorry i had to
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Post by thebigticket69 on Jan 8, 2006 2:42:26 GMT -5
i am sorry i had to lol that's great
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Post by The H B K "The Legend" on Jan 19, 2006 9:54:32 GMT -5
Joke 1 Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."
Joke 2 First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
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Post by Ace Rimmer, Attorney at Large on Jan 19, 2006 21:26:35 GMT -5
a Husband and Wife are standing at the mirror in the bathroom. after a few minutes the wife turns and kicks her husband. he turns to her "What was that for?" she replies "That's for being a lousey lover." after thinking for a minute the husband kicks her back. "What was that for?" she asks. "That's for knowing the diffrence"
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Butt Spawn
Mid-Carder
King of Town
I'll not spend my days glancing over my shoulder for assassins. Let them look back for me.-Nightbird
Posts: 688
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Post by Butt Spawn on Jan 19, 2006 23:09:57 GMT -5
Joke 1 Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up. Lawlz
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Post by Ace Rimmer, Attorney at Large on Jan 20, 2006 7:25:54 GMT -5
The Flaming Questionaire
Dear,
[] Clueless Newbie [] Loser [] AOL-er [] 12 year old [] Troll [] Geek [] Spammer [] l337 d00d [] Flamer [] Whiner [] Elitest Fuck [] Asshole [] Other
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[] You posted a Release Date thread [] You posted a Patch thread [] You posted a PC vs Mac thread [] You posted a ( Insert Random RPG ) vs Diablo 2 thread [] You posted a ( WarCraft 3 / WoW ) vs Diablo 2 thread [] You posted a "I'm quitting and this is why" thread [] You continued a long, stupid thread [] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message [] You haven't read the stickies [] You posted an advertisement / spam [] You don't know which forum to post in [] You posted false information [] You posted something totally uninteresting [] YOU POSTED A MESSAGE ALL WRITTEN IN CAPS [] You posted racist material [] You posted sexist material [] You are not civilized enough to post in these forums [] Yuo mispeled evry sengle wurd [] You posted something that is not legible or understandable [] You posted a "Superboards vs TCO" thread [] You posted an "I'm intelligent, you're not" thread [] You never heard of the hospital.
In Punishment, You Must:
[] Give up your AOL Internet account [] Actually post something relevant [] Read the gorram FAQ [] Go to your room with no supper [] Apologize to everybody on this forum [] Learn to read, write and speak Elvish/Klingon [] Give away all your cards [] Take classes in Basic Computer Usage [] Wait at least 1 month before posting again. [] Beat yourself
this is the only way to flame!
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Post by Ace Rimmer, Attorney at Large on Jan 20, 2006 18:18:01 GMT -5
Q.)What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
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Post by The H B K "The Legend" on Jan 21, 2006 9:52:50 GMT -5
He He He Some are Funny Good one Ace
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Post by The H B K "The Legend" on Jan 21, 2006 9:56:58 GMT -5
One Liner What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced
Joke 1 This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
Joke 2 A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
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Post by I'm Gonna Break You on Jan 21, 2006 10:34:24 GMT -5
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Post by ~Fusion~ on Jan 22, 2006 0:29:59 GMT -5
Quick Joke: If a girl with big boobs works at hooters, where does a girl with one leg work?
IHOP
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Post by slapnutz on Jan 22, 2006 1:19:32 GMT -5
for those of you who like joke's that have morales, this is... THE FLY JOKE! ***DISCLAIMER*** This joke works best if told to a female! Do not blame me if you get slapped! Repeat at your own risk!!! ***DISCLAIMER*** There's a fly hovering 3 inches above a lake. A fish in the lake: sees the fly and thinks to himself... " if only that fly would drop 3 inches. I would jump to catch the fly and have myself a good meal!" A bear beside the lake: sees the fly, sees the fish and thinks to himself... " if only that fly would drop 3 inches. The fish would jump to catch the fly, and I would swat to catch the fish and have myself a good meal!" Hunter in a cabin beside the lake: sees the fly, sees the fish, sees the bear and thinks to himself... " if only that fly would drop 3 inches. The fish would jump to catch the fly, the bear would swat to catch the fish, and I would drop my cheese sandwich, grab my gun and shoot the bear to give myself a beautiful bear skin rug!" Mouse in the cabin beside the lake: sees the fly, sees the fish, sees the bear, sees the hunter, BUT MORE IMORTANTLY sees the cheese sandwich and thinks to himself... " if only that fly would drop 3 inches. The fish would jump to catch the fly, the bear would swat to catch the fish, the hunter would drop his cheese sandwich and grab his gun to shoot the bear, and I would get the cheese sandwich and have myself a good meal!" Cat in the cabin beside the lake: sees the fly, sees the fish, sees the bear, sees the hunter, sees the cheese sandwich, sees the mouse and thinks to himself... " if only that fly would drop 3 inches. The fish would jump to catch the fly, the bear would swat to catch the fish, the hunter would drop his cheese sandwich and grab his gun to shoot the bear, the mouse would go for the cheese sandwich, and I would catch the mouse and have myself a good meal!" THE FLY DROPS 3 INCHES!The fish jumps and eats the fly. The bear swats and catches the fish. The hunter drops his cheese sandwich and takes a step back to grab his gun and kicks the cat into a bucket of water. What is the morale of the story?If my fly dropped 3 inches, your pussy would be wet too!!!
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Post by Ace Rimmer, Attorney at Large on Jan 22, 2006 1:28:49 GMT -5
thats awesome
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Butt Spawn
Mid-Carder
King of Town
I'll not spend my days glancing over my shoulder for assassins. Let them look back for me.-Nightbird
Posts: 688
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Post by Butt Spawn on Jan 22, 2006 1:37:28 GMT -5
Here's the REAL fly joke.. There's a family of flies hanging around the horse barn: Daddy Fly, Momma Fly, and Baby Fly. They are sitting around, and start to get hungry. Well, they notice the horse take a big poopy, and some it stays on the broomhandle next to his stall. So, they all fly down. They eat and eat and eat. They are so full, and try to fly off. Daddy Fly takes off, then falls straight down and dies. He was too heavy! Momma Fly tries to fly off, but the same thing happens. Baby Fly tries also, and yet, it happens again. The Moral of this story? Don't fly off the handle when you're full of shit!
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Post by slapnutz on Jan 22, 2006 1:47:21 GMT -5
for those of you who like joke's that have morales, this is... THE pink JOKE! There's a pink guy, driving a pink car, down a pink road and breaks down in front of a pink house. He walks up and knocks on the pink door and a pink lady answers the door. "My car broke down may I use your phone to call Triple A?" She says sure, and points to the pink phone. He walks down the pink hall and picks up the pink phone, then dials Triple A. He hangs up the pink phone turns to the pink lady and says "Triple A can't get here until the morning. Can I stay here tonight?" She says sure and points out which room is his. So he goes up the pink stairs, opens the pink door, lays down in the pink bed and falls asleep. There's a second pink guy, driving a pink car, down the same pink road and breaks down in front of the same pink house. He walks up and knocks on the pink door and a pink lady answers the door. "My car broke down may I use your phone to call Triple A?" She says sure, and points to the pink phone. He walks down the pink hall and picks up the pink phone, then dials Triple A. He hangs up the pink phone turns to the pink lady and says "Triple A can't get here until the morning. Can I stay here tonight?" She says sure and points out which room is his. So he goes up the pink stairs, walks past the first pink door, up to the second pink door, opens the pink door, lays down in the pink bed and falls asleep. There's a third pink guy, driving a pink car, down the same pink road and breaks down in front of the same pink house. He walks up and knocks on the pink door and a pink lady answers the door. "My car broke down may I use your phone to call Triple A?" She says sure, and points to the pink phone. He walks down the pink hall and picks up the pink phone, then dials Triple A. He hangs up the pink phone turns to the pink lady and says "Triple A can't get here until the morning. Can I stay here tonight?" She says sure and points out which room is his. So he goes up the pink stairs, walks past the first pink door, past the second pink door, up to the third pink door opens the pink door, lays down in the pink bed and falls asleep. MORNING COMES!The first pink guy wakes up, opens the pink door, walks down the pink stairs, into the pink kitchen, and pulls up a pink chair at the pink table. The pink lady looks at him and asks "what would you like for breakfast?" He says "i'll have some Fruit Loops!" So she grabs a pink bowl and a pink spoon pours him some Fruit Loops, hands it to the pink guy and he eats it. The second pink guy wakes up, opens the pink door, walks down the pink stairs, into the pink kitchen, and pulls up a pink chair at the pink table. The pink lady looks at him and asks "what would you like for breakfast?" He says "i'll have some Raisin Bran!" So she grabs a pink bowl and a pink spoon pours him some Raisin Bran, hands it to the pink guy and he eats it. The third pink guy wakes up, opens the pink door, walks down the pink stairs, into the pink kitchen, and pulls up a pink chair at the pink table. The pink lady looks at him and asks "what would you like for breakfast?" He says "i'll have some Fruit Loops!" So she grabs a pink bowl and a pink spoon pours him some Fruit Loops, hands it to the pink guy and he eats it. What is the morale of the story?2 out of 3 guys prefer Fruit Loops over Raisin Bran!!!
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